I have a few problems
I choose to think that I might have a problem. The consequence of a false positive is not much, since if I did not have a problem, and believing that I have a problem will lead to me examine myself more closely, the correct conclusion that I do not have a problem will eventually be reached. However, a false negative will be more costly. Not believing that I have a problem will make myself less inclined to examine myself closely, resulting in me more easily overlook the problems. If I never end up noticing I have a problem, I would have a problematic life. If I do, I foresee myself to have a great amount of regret. Either of which I do not desire, or even scared of. Hence, I would like to believe that I have a problem, so that I can investigate myself truthfully and thoroughly.
My first symptom is working hard. I definitely do not desire to be working as much as I am right now. I tell myself that I have this purpose in life which I must fulfill. I think the (partial) source of this is my mom. My mom loves telling me that “ooo perhaps you are from another world, sent to the Earth to save us humans.” It definitely feels nice to know that my mom think that highly of me. But another implication that I perceived is that she expects a lot from me.
To be fair there were so many more people who did that than just my mom. People — parents, grandparents, relatives, teachers, friends — all expected things from me. So much so that I have internalized the idea that I should go places, and I consider not meeting the expectations a devastating outcome.
My second symptom is that I am always defensive, always in fight-or-flight, always judging, myself and others. I am not sure what I have to gain by doing this, or what I have to lose thinking nice things of others. I think this also goes back to my childhood. The education system that I was in created constant competition. We were constantly evaluated. Those who did well were praised and rewarded. Those who did not, belittled and punished. I learned a reward model, and the most important part of that reward model is, to apply the model.
This second symtpom actually gave rise to a more severe problem, my eating disorder. I have cared a great deal about how I looked physically since a very young age (not my clothes or hair style, but my body). I remember measuring my weight and body fat and taking pictures of my glute and thigh at eleven. I cannot pinpoint a time when I started, but I think my family talking about my sister being fat has played a huge part. I am short, but I do not care so much about my height at all, actually. I know there is nothing I can do about it, so I am at peace with it. My weight and my body fat, however, I consider them to be under my control, which is why I care about it. In 2022, I gained a lot of weight, almost 20kg in fact. I have been struggling with my weight ever since. I would be on a calorie deficit for five days, then binge ten thousand calories in one day, feel guilty, and go on a calorie deficit. Endless, viscious, cycle.
Now that I think about it, my first symptom is actually a result of my second symptom, too. I think that if I work hard I would get high reward, so I work hard.
Finally, I do not feel valued. I am not sure whether it is because I do not feel valued myself by others so I start judging myself and others, or that I am constantly judged by myself and others so I do not feel valued. But it is difficult to believe that “I deserve love”. My family is great. They are caring and supportive. My therapist shared a video in which it says that the only solution is for someone to love us, unconditionally, so that we can have evidence that we deserve love. I tend to agree. While I would like to believe that I am valued and loved, I just do not have the evidence, since I have not felt valued and loved in, I would say, seven years. I want to be valued and loved.